Thursday, July 22, 2010

My Life: Present Day, Take: too many to count...ACTION!

"I always wanted a happy ending... Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity!."

~ Gilda Radner

So, after shaking my head a few times after noticing the last time I updated my blog, I decided to cut myself some slack given that I've been just a tad bit busy...and it makes it easier for me to just jump into this post without wasting time being disappointed at myself.

Everyday, I send out motivational quotes and in doing so, I come across some that inspire me to either act, think or take a moment to reflect on where I am, where I want to be, and how i plan on getting there.  I've had this quote for quite some time, but felt it would be a great way to start this post given all the recent changes in my life. 

To know me is to know that I tend to put a lot on my plate.  I have a hard time saying no, even if I know it means me losing out on what little bit of sleep I already tend to not get.  I love helping out, especially if it involves anything creative.  The problem is that in order for me to be creative for someone else, it almost always takes away from me being creative for me.  Why?  Because I give so much of my creative energy to whatever project I'm helping out on, that I push aside my own creative needs since I would be all over the place if I didn't.  I never thought it was a problem until I recently got sick and couldn't shake it.  I had a horrible cough that seemed to get worse even after I was prescribed medication.  I kept pushing myself because I felt that if people thought I didn't want it bad enough, they would write me off as just someone trying to make it.  The problem is that what I thought in my mind and how my body felt were out of sync. 

It all came to a halt at a fashion show of all places.  I hadn't been feeling well and against the advice of those who could care less about what shows I did or not attend, I forced myself to put on a smile and get dolled up for the camera.  The people dressing me commented at how pale I looked (I just added more blush), how I felt feverish (I just put a cold facecloth on my face) and how tired I looked (MAC concealer works wonders).  I rushed out and headed to the venue thinking that the way I looked outside would help me to feel better inside.  It all started out fine until I started coughing and couldn't stop (sorry to the poor woman sitting next to me who sat through my coughing fit before kindly moving during intermission).  My cough was so bad, I was almost in tears.

So for once, I did what I always have a hard time doing, I said I just couldn't do it.  I gave my apologies and left.  I walked back to my car still coughing and in tears because even though I knew I did what was best for me at the time, I still felt like I was letting people down.  The drive home felt like the longest ride ever, but seeing my house and knowing I was that much closer to being able to lie in bed, made me happy.  It took me about another month of just resting and taking it easy for me to finally get over the cough. 

I took a hiatus from everything and tried to slow down as much as possible.  That didn't last too long since I can't keep still and the thought of not doing anything creative is like a death sentence to me.  But instead of diving back into everything that I was doing before, I took time to really figure out what I wanted so bad that I was willing to let my body suffer for it.  The underlying theme in everything that I was doing, was my love for fashion.  I love fashion.  I always have and for some reason, it's the one thing I tend to avoid when it comes to doing it myself.  I talk a good game, but always tend to let myself get sidetracked when it comes to me focusing on me doing fashion.

So after taking the time to think and realizing what I wanted and what I was willing to sacrifice to get it, I decided to learn to say no.  Not a flat out no to people and then I go on about my way.  I decided to say no to myself.  I learned to tell myself no to all the distractions that I had become such an expert at creating or getting involved in.  I no longer give myself the option to get so caught up in helping someone else be creative that I deprive myself of my own creative energy.  It's easier to be creative with someone else since you share in both the applause and the possible criticism.  On your own, you have to learn to experience both and not let the first go to your head, or the latter destroy your passion.

Until the next act,

(Conquering the world, one stylish step at a time)