Saturday, September 12, 2009

"If I should die before I wake"...

I pray that I will have lived a life filled with love, happiness and passion. I pray that I will not have wasted precious time worrying about what if and more time asking why not.

The best gift other than life itself, is to enjoy it. There will always be bills that need to be paid, people who are negative and want to bring you to their level and obstacles that test your strength and will. But with that also comes the ability to live within your means and still have abundance, positive people who always lift you out of the darkness and paths that appear once you've climbed, jumped and hurdled your way past things that stand in your way.

I want to live a life that causes the deepest wrinkles when I'm older. They will be the sign of all the laughs that I have shared and all the times I said yes without letting fear get the best of me.

I haven't experienced the loss of someone since I was 13. That changed this week with the passing of my Father's wife. It was an experience that has rocked me to the core. For the longest time, I have lived in fear of death. It is a finale that I could never come to terms with...until now. With her passing, I saw firsthand how each day is not promised to you. You can't put things off in hopes that you will get to it another time.

I want my sons to be able to miss me, but also smile at the thought that I lived the life that made me wake up and go to sleep with a smile on my face and joy in my heart. I tell them to reach for the stars and yet I myself have stopped reaching. I've put up this imaginary hand that taps me everytime I begin to attempt to reach. It sounds silly, but it's true.

I have become paralyzed by fear and it is slowly crushing my spirit. I am slowly forgetting what it feels like to be so passionate about something, that you only see your goal and no one can penetrate that feeling. That is not how I want to be remembered.

I want to experience as much as I can and enjoy the little things just as much as the big things. I don't want to stand aside and let others take the stage. It's up to me to set, follow and determine my destiny.